sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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