when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
