I cannot find my penis.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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