I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She's the barista slut.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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