Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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