New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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