You just made me feel so damn special
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
