Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
