bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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