So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
