here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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