please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
