I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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