Can Purell be used as lube?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
