i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
