i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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