how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
