i jhust puked up my retainher.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
