i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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