tell your sister to shave her snatch
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
