Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
