:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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