mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
