When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
