just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
