So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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