you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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