ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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