I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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