Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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