i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
