i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
His nipple licking is glorious
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