hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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