Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
