I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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