1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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