so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
