Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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