She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
