i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
