Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
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