I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
