It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
