you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
