i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
