I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You ruined the universe
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
