did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Randomize
