So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
