It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
