and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
