I wish I could teleport
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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