I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
